Skins Mock The Week!
by matureskinsfan
Summary: This is very AU and a bit off the wall. Basically I tried to imagine what would happen if some of the Skins characters appeared in a Skins special edition of the UK satirical comedy show Mock The Week. If you want to see how they did, please read on!
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Message**

**This is very much AU and a bit of a weird, freaky concept that may well spectacularly bomb with the readers, particularly those of you unfamiliar with the topical satirical comedy show Mock The Week, which possibly means everyone outside the UK! **

**The idea came into my head a week or so ago and has remained bouncing around there ever since. I don't think I will be able to continue with my other stories until I get this idea out of my head and onto the page. So here it is. I hope some of you like it even if it isn't to everyone's taste! Please review if you can!**

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**DO:Hello and welcome to a special Skins edition of Mock The Week. I'm Dara O'Briain. Joining me this week are Frankie Boyle, Cook and Katie Fitch and Hugh Dennis, Naomi Campbell and Emily Fitch. **

_Wild applause and cheering breaks out from the studio audience. Frankie Boyle is for once team captain and has sitting on either side of him Cook and Katie. Hugh Dennis is the other team captain and has Naomi and Emily sitting on either side of him._

**DO:We start with a round called 'If this is the Answer, what is the Question?'**

**Tonight there are no categories to choose from as all the rounds are about Skins Series 3. So, here we go.**

_On the screen in the studio comes up the answer 50,000._

**DO:Okay, so your answer is '50,000'. What is the question?**

**KF:Is it 'How many times a day on average does Cook burp, fart, scratch his balls in public and try to shag somebody's sister?' I mean, he's got, like, a real suave, sophisticated style about him that no self-respecting girl could ever resist, hasn't he? (**_Cook grins broadly and nods his head in appreciation at Katie's answer_)

**NC:Is it 'What is the highest number that Cook can actually count up to?' Mind you I'm only guessing as I've got no evidence that he can even count past ten. **

**C:Of course I fucking can. Eleven comes after ten (**_Huge applause from the studio audience.)_** I know that for a fact, that's easy, coz that's the number of players in the Bristol Rovers Reserves team that Katie's already shagged, including Danny. **

**KF:Fuck off, Cook!**

**NC:No, I'm not sure Cook's got that quite right. Is the question in fact 'How many boyfriends has Katie got through since she first started not being without a boyfriend at the age of seven?'**

**KF:Right! You fucking asked for it, bitch. I've got it, I've got it! Is it 'How many times will Naomi have to deny being a lezza before anyone actually starts believing her?'**

**FB:Is it 'What is the average amount of sperm in cc's that teenage boys in the UK have wanked off whilst watching the Naomily lakeside sex scene?'**

**EF:Is it 'How many times will Cook or Freddie have to ruffle JJ's hair before he finally loses patience and tells them to stop fucking doing it?'**

**C:I think I've finally got what this round is all about! (**_he receives sarcastic applause from all the girls) _**Is the question 'How much money would you have to pay Katie before she'd agree to a threesome with me and any other girl?'**

**KF: Cook, in your dreams, you arsehole! You'd never get your hands on the sort of money it would take to get me in bed with you and whatever scrubber you might turn up with.'**

**HD:Is it 'How many grams of MDMA would have had to have been put into the chocolate brownies before Pandora's Mum would have agreed to let all the girls watch her own sex video with her?' **

**DO:At the end of that round, ladies and gentlemen, the points go to Frankie, Cook and Katie!**

**Our next round is called 'Headliners'. Here's a still picture taken from the last series of Skins showing Emily and Naomi leaving the Love Ball together hand in hand. Ah!!! But what does I.L.Y.T. stand for?**

**C:It can only be one thing, surely? Isn't it 'Irresponsible Lesbian Young Teenagers?' I mean, what the fucking hell is going on here? Look, I've already screwed Effy and Panda so if these two are going to selfishly turn their backs on men then a normal, fit, sexually active guy like me is only going to be left with mingers like Katie.' **

**KFCook, if you and I were the only people left on Earth after a nuclear fall-out I'd sooner let the planet die than let you come within fifty miles of my vagina. Anyway, moving smartly on, I think it stands for 'I leave you traumatised.' (**_Katie flashes an obviously fake smile across the studio at Naomi who glares at her)._

**EFActually, I'm sure I do remember this one. Wasn't it 'I Loathe Your Twin?'**

**NC:Ems, loathe doesn't go anywhere near describing my feelings for that cow over there. Given the choice of being stuck in a lift all day with Katie or Osama bin Laden, I'll take bin Laden every time. I'd feel much safer and less nauseous with him. (**_Naomi returns the compliment to Katie by smiling sweetly at her across the room while sticking up the middle finger of her right hand in Katie's direction._

**FB:Is it 'Illicit Lovers Yank Todgers?' Not that I'm getting obsessive about teenage boys masturbating to images of two attractive teenage girls getting it on with each other, of course. It just came into my head, that's all.**

**EFAre ****all**** your answers to do with masturbation, Frankie? Do you actually think about anything else? (**_Frankie laughs and shakes his head violently)_

**FB:I try not to. **

**NC:I think it's quite simple, in fact. Although I didn't actually say this, it does represent what I was thinking seconds before I came out and said what I said. **

**EB:What was that?'**

**NC:'I Love Your Tits'. I mean, I was intending to tell you that at some time anyway. I just wasn't sure if that was quite the right time or the right place. I thought possibly the moment called for something a touch more romantic.**

**HD:Speaking of romance, I'll take a gigantic stab in the dark here, because I've never even seen this series but was it by any remote possibility 'I Love You Too'?**

**DB: Indeed it was, Hugh. Very well done, that was quite a tough one! The points in that round go to Hugh, Naomi and Emily!!**

**Now we come to a round called 'Stand up and be counted'. This will involve Katie, Cook, Naomi and Emily, so will all four contestants make their way to the performance area, please? (**_All four Skins characters get up from their seats and walk over to their places, Katie and Cook lining up alongside each other on the far side of the studio and Naomi and Emily taking their places next to one another on the near side.)_

**This is where we test our contestants' stand-up skills. We spin our picture generator, it settles on a topic and any one of the performers can volunteer to tell jokes about the chosen picture subject. The winning team is the one I consider to have produced the funniest gags. OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.**

_The wheel spins round for several seconds and comes to rest on a picture of Cook singing on stage at Johnny White's daughter's engagement party._

**The first subject is Cook singing at a well-known Bristol gangster's daughter's engagement party. Who wants to start off on that topic?**

**(**_Emily nervously makes her way forward to the middle of the stage)_

**OK, Emily.**

**EF:As you can see from the picture that was the night that Cook mistakenly thought he was auditioning for Britain's Got Talent. I think someone had told him that Susan Boyle was going to be in the audience and he thought that getting up to sing would be his best chance of pulling her! Of course, he was fooling himself because she's such a famous star now that she can afford to be very choosy about the kind of guys she shags. And I'm afraid Cook just doesn't meet her very high standards- he's simply not in her league. **

**Of course, this wasn't the first time Cook had stood up in front of an audience and showed us all what he'd got. Mind you, the first time it didn't exactly go down very well with our college director, Harriet – unlike Jordan who did go down very well, or at least so it seemed to me. Actually I think Cook and Jordan would make the perfect couple, don't you? They seem so well suited to one another. They both come from the same social background – the sewer – and they both have similar aspirations to better themselves by climbing up the social ladder into the gutter. **

**DO:Thank you very much, Emily! (**_Emily goes back to her spot next to Naomi with a big smile on her face while Cook stands on the opposite side of the studio, with a wry, resigned grin on his face) _**OK, let's spin the wheel again.**

_The wheel spins around again and comes to land on a picture of a classroom of students. _**OK, the subject is education. Who wants to take that subject?**

_(Naomi steps forward with a confident, purposeful stride and takes her place in the middle of the floor)._

**NC:Education. That's a subject that's ****not**** very close to Katie's heart. In fact the only time Katie ever managed to pass an exam was when Emily disguised herself as Katie and sat her history paper for her. Now, if it was the other way round and Katie had to dress up as Emily and sit an exam for ****her****, Katie would be too stupid to remember not to fill in her own name on the paper! **

**When Katie was asked in class one time to explain what is history she answered 'my last boyfriend.' They say, don't they, that you can go a long way in life with just a little bit of education. So by my reckoning I make it that Katie can just about get as far as the end of her front garden.**

**I am surprised, though, that Katie's useless at history. After all, if you think about it, history is all about things happening on dates and basically that's all Katie really thinks about! **

**What I can't understand is why she didn't choose to do biology for A level. I mean, the practical part of it would be a piece of piss for her; she's been revising for that since she was nine years old, as she never tires of telling us.**

**DO:Thank you very much, Naomi! So that leaves us with Cook and Katie. Let's see what the next subject is, shall we? **_The wheel spins around again and comes to rest on a picture of a collection of recreational drugs._

**It's drugs. Who would like to come in on that one? Cook! There's a surprise!**

**C:Drugs, then. OK, we hear a lot of talk in the papers and in the media generally about drugs being, like, really bad. But I don't agree with that coz the stuff I've been taking recently has been seriously good shit. Honestly!**

**They say it kills your brain cells and affects your speech and your memory and shit like that. But it can't really fuck you up like they say. I mean I'm just as sharp, intelligent and quick-witted now as I was before I even smoked my first spliff.**

**Besides, drugs actually help some people. You know, ugly girls, for example. How else would they get a shag if the guys who fucked them weren't totally stoned out of their minds? And look at someone like JJ. He takes hundreds of pills every day for his condition. If he didn't he wouldn't be so interesting and quirky and wouldn't have pulled Emily because she wouldn't have felt sorry for him! **

**And remember this – if Katie hadn't put all that MDMA in the brownies mix, then Emily wouldn't have been out of it enough to ask Naomi to kiss her and Naomi certainly wouldn't have kissed her back. Then Naomi wouldn't have been able to resist my charismatic charm after the student election and I'd have had my wicked way with her. So drugs have saved this show from being just like any other teenage drama, if you think about. Not that I can think about much nowadays, I'm so off my face half the time. **

**DO:OK, that leaves just Katie. Let's see what topic you're left with, Katie.**

_(A picture of a model walking along a catwalk flashes up on the screen). _**It's fashion and beauty. Katie.**

**KF:Well, it's lucky I was left with this topic coz if Emily or Naomi had been given it they wouldn't have known what to talk about. I mean, if a girl wants to pull a good looking guy she's got to know how to look good and I do. I mean, no wonder Ems and Naomi ended up together; they've got no idea about fashion and how to show off what you've got.**

**I mean I wouldn't have pulled a fit guy like Danny if I hadn't given him a good eyeful to begin with. If you've got it flaunt it, girls! Yeah, I know he turned out to be a complete dickhead, but that's not the point. I wouldn't have pulled him anyway if I hadn't looked great. I mean look at poor Panda. She's a lovely girl, don't get me wrong but she's got no style, no dress sense at all. Hopeless! Yes, I know she ended up with Thomas who's a complete gentleman and treats her well and respects her and forgave her when she shagged Cook……..but that's not the point, is it? She'd never have pulled Danny looking the way she does half the time, that's the real point.**

**Besides, we girls know that the really best guys like girls with brains ****and**** beauty, so I'm always halfway in with a chance, aren't I? **

**DO:OK, that's the end of that round and the points go to Naomi!**

**Now we come to our final quick-fire round called 'Scenes We'd Like To See'. This is for everyone so if you'd like to make your way to the performance area, please. I call out ideas for scenarios we'd love to see and the performers come in with their suggestions. (**_All six performers make their way over to the performance area standing in their teams)._

**OK, here we go with the first topic which is 'Things you wouldn't want to hear at a Skins party.'**

_Cook immediately steps forward into the middle of the floor. After each joke the performer walks back to his or her original position and the next performer steps forward to take his/her place)._

**C:Hi…….Um……Yes, well…Um……I'm JJ, your DJ for the night and I'm going to get this place rocking with some of my favourite classical pieces.**

**KF:Wow! That was an absolutely amazing kiss, Naomi, but actually I'm Katie.**

**NC:Hey, Katie! That toilet paper hanging out of the back of your skirt is a wicked fashion accessory!**

**EF:Jelly and ice cream AND Twister? Should be a fucking blast tonight!**

**NC:This 'School Dinners' party theme was a great idea, Cook. Katie could come as she is!**

**C:Right. I've shagged all the women here and I'm still feeling horny. JJ!!!**

**KF:I'm sorry, love. The 'stroppy, platinum blonde lezzas' night's tomorrow.**

**FB:What do you mean, I'm too old? They're all over twelve aren't they?**

**HD:There's been one question I've been dying to ask you all night, Emily. Are you paying too much for your car insurance?**

**DO:OK! The next topic is……. 'Unlikely Things To Hear In A Skins Programme'.**

**C:Drugs? No, sorry, I never touch the stuff.**

**EF:It's hardly surprising I turned out like this with a Mum, a Dad and a sister who all love me and ****totally**** understand me.**

**NC:I know there's a great party happening tonight but I've got coursework to do.**

**KF: Flash cars and big wallets really don't impress me. I'm much more interested in what a guy's got to say.**

**FB:Viewers should be warned that the following programme contains bad language, scenes of a sexual nature and adult themes. And after 'How Clean Is Your House' you can watch the next episode of Skins.**

**C:I'm ****really**** sorry but we can't have sex. I forgot to bring a condom with me.**

**HD:I don't care if she's totally off her head with drugs and alcohol. She's got a class to take in five minutes.**

**KF:Why do we all have to argue the whole time? Why can't we just accept that we're all different individuals and just get on with each other?**

**DO:OK! The next topic is……. 'The Worst Opening Line From Series 4'**

**C:You know, JJ, I still can't believe Effy was born a guy.**

**NC:No, I'm not saying I only fancy boys again, Emily. I've just decided I hate red hair.**

**EF:Naomi, do you ever regret us staying here in Cyprus and becoming prostitutes instead of going back to college?**

**KF:Mum, Dad, James? Are you serious? Am I the only person in this family who ****isn't ****fucking gay?**

**FB:As your new headmaster, I can assure you that I am no longer on the paedophile register.**

**HD:Um….look, Cook…..I know Effy chose Freddie rather than you, but surely there was no need to drown him in the river.**

**DO:And at the end of that round the points go to Frankie, Cook and Katie!**

**That's the end of the show and this week's winners are all the Skins characters for being such good sports and agreeing to come on the show and have the piss taken out of them! **

**We'll see you again –MAYBE! – but thanks for watching. I'm Dara O'Briain. Goodnight!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Message: Skins Mock The Week Again!**

**Yes! It's back by popular demand! Well, what I really mean is that some of you liked it enough the first time round to persuade me to do a second one so here it is. I've brought in a couple of new characters to mix things up a bit. As always, I'd love to hear from anyone out there with their comments!**

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**DO:Hello and welcome to a special Christmas Skins edition of Mock The Week. I'm Dara O'Briain. Joining me this week are Frankie Boyle, Pandora Moon and Katie Fitch on one team and Cook, Naomi Campbell and JJ on the other team. **

_Wild applause and cheering breaks out from the studio audience. Frankie Boyle is one team captain and has sitting on either side of him Pandora and Katie. Cook is the other team captain and has Naomi and JJ sitting on either side of him._

**DO:We start with a round called 'If this is the Answer, what is the Question?'**

**Let's see what the answer is flashing up on the screen.**

_All the panellists turn towards the giant screen in the studio and watch as the answer comes up 'Three pornos, two Ninja stars and a butt plug.'_

**DO:Okay, so your answer is**'**Three pornos, two Ninja stars and a butt plug.'**

**But what is the question?**

**KF:Is it 'What did Naomi ask Santa Claus to bring her for Christmas this year when she visited him in his grotto? (**_Naomi stares across at Katie and gives her an obviously fake smile_)

**NC:Well, sticking with the Christmas theme that Katie so imaginatively brought up, is it 'What does Katie think comes after Five Gold Rings and Four Calling Birds in the festive song 'The Twelve Days of Christmas'?'**

**KF:Oh, ha ha, Campbell! Is that the best you can do? I'm almost pissing myself already. Did you get that one out of a Christmas cracker?**

**JJ:Is the question 'What would be the unusual contents of Cook's shopping bag if he ever got invited onto the TV programme Ready Steady Cook?'**

**I mean, Cook probably wouldn't know it was a cooking programme, he'd think it was a show all about him so he would just turn up with what he normally carries around in a bag.**

**C:Oh, so it's going to be like that, is it, Gay Jay? Right then, you asked for it. You've set the tone for the evening. Is the question 'If JJ can't find a girl drunk enough, blind enough or stupid enough to sleep with him when he goes clubbing with me and the others, what does he go home to which helps relieve his sexual frustrations?' **

**FB:Is it 'Instead of a fucking Oxford English dictionary, what **_**should **_**the winner of each series of Countdown be given as a prize?' I mean if you win such a shit programme like that you'd want to walk away with at least something useful, wouldn't you?'**

**PM:Is it 'What was I offered as a swap in exchange for my virginity by the weirdest boy in college?' I mean, he was seriously doo-lally, you know. He even made JJ look completely normal.**

**NCIs it 'What confiscated items was Cook looking for in Kieran's desk during the riots after the election result? **

**DO:That is of course the correct answer, Naomi. At the end of that round, ladies and gentlemen, the points go to Cook, Naomi and JJ!**

**Our next round is called 'Headliners'. Here's a picture taken from series 3, episode 6 of Naomi in her bedroom calling Emily on her mobile phone on the day of their bike ride. But what does C.W.G.S. stand for?**

**C:Is it 'Cook Wants Great Sex?' I know that's not a question, it's just a statement of fact. It's actually one of the world's great truths, like toast always falling butter side down or Pandora liking doughnuts. Although why Naomikins felt the need to ring Ems up and tell her that, fuck knows. I'm sure she already knew that. **

**NC:Actually I'm sure I remember what I was thinking at the time I rang Ems. I had woken up feeling incredibly horny and of course there were no decent, real men around for miles (**_**looking at Cook in particular with a**__**contemptuous sneer on her face)**_**. Now normally in that situation I would have to satisfy my sexual frustrations by having a wank but I suddenly thought of Ems and I said to myself 'Christ! Why Go Solo?' Call her up! She's bound to oblige.**

**JJ:Actually, following on from what Naomi's just said, I think if it had been me I would have been saying 'Constant Wanking Generates Soreness.' At least, that what I've learned from years and years of personal experience. I suppose that's why I'm so keen to get a girlfriend. I mean, she couldn't possibly wear it out as much as I've done over the years.**

**KF:Is it 'Crazy Wags Get Shagged?' Like, all the time! And I get to choose from a whole football team! Naomi, you'll have to talk me through what this sexual frustration is all about. I've never come across this concept before. Is it something only peroxide blonde lesbians suffer from? **

**NC:Katie, the reason why you don't understand the term sexual frustration is because both words have got more letters in them than you can possibly cope with.**

**PM:Does C.W.G.S. stand for 'Chocolate Willies Give Stomach-aches?' Because I ate about twenty of them the other night after dinner and within an hour I was being sick all over the place. Then after I'd been sick I felt heaps better and so I had some more. They were wizard! They're the nearest I've ever got to a real willy as well. Effy says a real one doesn't taste quite so much of chocolate, though. Unless of course you smear it with chocolate first…………' (**_**Pandora gazes off dreamily into the distance). **_

**C:Hey, Panda, you bring round the chocolate and I'll supply the willy! **

**FB:There seems to be a very strong penis theme running through this round, which of course happens to be my specialist subject, as you no doubt remember from last time. I think Naomi was actually doing a very subtle bit of advertisement here. She was extolling the virtues to Emily of the vibrator as a means of relieving sexual frustration and Emily asked her why she didn't go out and find a man instead. Naomi's answer was obviously 'Cocks Will Go Soft!' **

**PM:I suspect the real answer had nothing to do with cocks or vibrators. Was it 'Can We Go Somewhere?'**

**DB: That is indeed the right answer, Pandora. The points in that round go to Frankie, Katie and Pandora!!**

**Now we come to a round called 'Stand up and be counted'. This will involve Cook, Naomi, Katie and Pandora, so will all four contestants make their way to the performance area, please? (**_All four Skins characters get up from their seats and walk over to their places, Katie and Pandora lining up alongside each other on the far side of the studio and Naomi and Cook taking their places next to one another on the near side.)_

**This is where we test our contestants' stand-up skills. We spin our picture generator, it settles on a topic and any one of the performers can volunteer to tell jokes about the chosen picture subject. The winning team is the one I consider to have produced the funniest gags. OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.**

_The wheel spins round for several seconds and comes to rest on a picture of a teacher in front of a blackboard._

**The first subject is teachers. Who wants to start off on that topic?**

**(**_Cook confidently struts to the middle of the stage, milking the applause and the chanting of his name that rings out)_

**OK, Cook.**

**C:So…. Teachers. My favourite brand of whisky, distilled in the Scottish Highlands since the nineteenth century. A bottle of that is the perfect chaser, I find, before throwing down a dozen or so lagers and starting a couple of pointless fights to achieve that really satisfactory night out.**

**What? Oh, not that sort of teachers? Okay, if you say so. Right... teachers. Well, here I have to agree with Edwin Starr in the words of his most famous song: 'Teachers – what are they good for? Absolutely nothing!' **

**I mean, come on, you have got to have ****so**** little imagination to want to become a teacher, don't you. I've studied my subject for ten fucking years, passed all the exams, got a fucking degree in it. The world is my oyster now; I can do whatever I like. I know what; I'll spend the next thirty miserable years of my life trying to help some other poor fuckers to pass it as well! Jesus Christ! Get a life! **

**Look at Doug, for example, at our college. The poor bastard's completely under Harriet's thumb, he can't think for himself without having to check with her first. The poor sod can't even fart without her hearing about it. Nor the rest of us, come to think of it.**

**DO:Thank you very much, Cook! (**_Cook goes back to his spot next to Naomi whilst acknowledging the wild cheers of all his fans in the audience by raising his clenched fists above his head in a typically macho posture) _**OK, let's spin the wheel again.**

_The wheel spins around again and comes to land on a picture of the Houses of Parliament. _**OK, the subject is politics. Who wants to take that subject?**

_(Naomi steps forward with a confident, relaxed stride to take her place in the middle of the floor)._

**NC:Well, as you know, I'm very interested in politics and if I became Prime Minister the first thing I'd do is to pass a law to make voting in a general election compulsory. I mean, come on, how difficult can it be to pick one candidate out of a list of four or five and put a cross in a box. Even Katie could do that. After all, that's how she normally signs her name, isn't it, Katie? (**_Katie gives her the middle finger and pulls a face at Naomi_)**.**

**Of course I got my first taste of running for political office when I stood for Student President last year against Cook and some other loser – I can't even remember his name. Mind you, if I hadn't found out about Harriet's voting scam and exposed her I would have been declared the winner despite loads of votes having not even been counted. Guess that's the closest I'll get to knowing what it's like to be George Bush!**

**The only thing that puts me off going into politics as a career is that the media tends to concentrate only on personalities rather than policies which are what's really important. I guess that rules out Katie ever moving into politics because she doesn't have a personality!**

**DO:Thank you very much, Naomi! So that leaves us with Pandora and Katie. Let's see what the next subject is, shall we? **_The wheel spins around again and comes to rest on a picture of some footballers kicking a ball around._

**It's football. Who would like to come in on that one? Katie! Really? Go on then.**

**KF:I've definitely got this one covered seeing as I'm the only person here who used to go out with a footballer, so I know loads about it. Well, it's the World Cup next year, isn't it, in South Africa? That's going to be really exciting, eh? I remember asking my ex Danny one day why Bristol Rovers Reserves hadn't qualified for the World Cup and he just looked at me in that way men do when they think a girl's asked them a really dumb question about football. He just laughed, shook his head in pity and said, 'Christ, Katie, hasn't going out with me taught you anything? Bristol Rovers Reserves aren't going to the World Cup because we're not good enough! Even if we could get Ronaldo and Messi on loan for a year we still wouldn't qualify!'**

**Still, I did make one suggestion which he thought was a really good one. I said instead of having a penalty shoot-out at the end of a game when nobody won – which England always lose anyway – why don't they have a game of keepy-uppy in its place? Don't all the other countries moan about England always kicking the ball up in the air instead of keeping it on the ground like they do? If they brought in keepy-uppy to decide a game then England would win everything! Danny was thinking of writing to his local MP with that idea. I don't know if they ever decided to try it out, though. **

**DO:OK, that just leaves Pandora. Let's see what topic you're left with, Panda.**

_(A picture of a library full of rows and rows of books appears on the screen). _**It's literature. Take it away, Panda.**

**PM:Wow! Literature. That's a big word, innit? Books, I suppose you mean. Yeah. I read a book once! It was…… green, I think. Or maybe it was black. I'm not very good with colours. Or with book titles. But it was a really wicked book. It was all about this man with long, dark hair and a beard who did these amazing magic tricks, just like JJ does. Like, he turned water into wine and he walked on water and ….stuff like that. Not that I've ever seen JJ turn water into wine. I suppose JJ wouldn't really be interested in learning that trick coz he doesn't drink wine or any other alcohol. **

**But walking on water would be fun, wouldn't it? And you'd save tons of money on air fares, wouldn't you? Mind you, your shoes would get ruined with all that water so you'd probably have to buy dozens of shoes for the journey so you probably wouldn't save that much in the end. Anyway, books. My favourite book of all time is Alice in Wonderland coz I love the Mad Hatter's Tea Party where they eat all those fantastic cakes and jelly and ice cream. It's absolutely wizard! I don't remember if they played Twister afterwards. I bet they did.**

**Have you ever played Twister? It's the most fun game in the whole world. It's really easy to play. You've got to put your hands and your feet on the coloured circles on the Twister mat and you end up in the most amazing positions! It really helps if you're double jointed, I reckon. And then at the end of the game you get shagged by Cook. You should all try it!**

**DO:OK, thank you Panda. That's the end of that round and I'm going to give the points for that round to Pandora!**

**Now we come to our final quick-fire round called 'Scenes We'd Like To See'. This is for everyone so if you'd all like to make your way to the performance area, please. I call out ideas for scenarios we'd love to see and the performers come in with their suggestions. (**_All six performers make their way over to the performance area standing in their respective teams)._

**OK, here we go with the first topic which is….. '**_**Worst things to say to JJ when he gets locked on.'**_

_Katie immediately steps forward into the middle of the floor. After each joke the performer walks back to his or her original position and the next performer steps forward to take his/her place)._

**KF:For fuck's sake, JJ, this birthday stripper gram cost me a bloody fortune. Don't freak out now before she's even started taking anything off!**

**PM:Have you tried holding your breath or would you rather I dropped a spoon down your back?**

**NC:JJ, is this going to last long? Because if it is, perhaps you should pull out now before you get stuck for good. **

**C:If you don't shut the fuck up, JJ, there's nothing else for it. I'm going to ****have**** to beat the crap out of you.**

**FB:I haven't got a pair of tits to flash at you to calm you down. Will my cock do instead?**

**JJ:It's OK, JJ; I don't think anyone else in the room has noticed – they're all busy having epileptic fits.**

**DO:OK! The next topic is……. **_**'Strangest things to hear said whilst holding hands through a cat flap'.**_

**PM:I wouldn't open the door if I were you – I haven't washed for a week!'**

**KF:This safe sex idea of yours is all very sensible and commendable but when can we get down to some proper shagging?**

**NC:How long did the doctor say it would take for your herpes to be completely cleared up?**

**FB:The last time I sat talking to someone through a cat flap I got the best blow job I've ever had.**

**JJ:Well, it's been really nice talking to you like this but I'm afraid I still don't want to buy any life insurance.**

**C:Now that you've finished taking a piss through the cat flap, are you actually going to come in and eat your dinner?**

**KF:JJ, it's a bit difficult to fully appreciate how good your magic tricks are when there's a fucking door between us!**

**NC:So, Ems, are you seriously thinking of getting a cat or is this just a decorative feature?**

**DO:OK! The next topic is……. 'Worst unique fact about yourself to reveal to the rest of the class on the first day of term.'**

**C:Hi, I'm Cook. I'm actually twenty-eight years old but I thought I'd get to shag loads of sixteen year old girls if I went back to school.**

**PM:I'm Pandora. I'm so desperate to lose my virginity that I'll even let a complete minger shag me if he agrees to put a bag over his head.**

**KF:Hi, I'm Katie (**_**looks around the studio for approval**_**). I've never not been superficial, shallow or stupid since I was seven years old.**

**JJ:I'm JJ. I'm actually really shit at maths; I just have an anally retentive memory.**

**NC:(**_**sighs heavily first**_**, then **_**looks around the studio and scowls at everyone**_**) I'm Naomi. I hate Fathers For Justice. People throw pies at me.**

**FB:Hi. I'm Emily. I've never had a girlfriend - but I'll give it a go if it makes me more intriguing and popular with boys who constantly fantasise about teenage lesbians.**

**DO:And at the end of that round the points go to Cook, Naomi and JJ!**

**That's the end of the show and this week's winners are Cook, Naomi and JJ for the extraordinary number of cock and wanking jokes they managed to come up with tonight!**

**Thanks for watching. I'm Dara O'Briain. Goodnight!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Message: The Return of Skins Mock The Week!**

**Having said a couple of months ago that I wouldn't be doing any more Skins fanfics, I've been encouraged and persuaded by a couple of recent reviews of my first two 'sketches' to change my mind and write a ****third ****Skins Mock The Week! **

**I have such great fun writing these that I'm tempted to suggest that I could write one every month but I'm sure people would become bored with reading them after a while. Still, if any of you **_**would**_** like to see me write these 'sketches' on a more regular basis, please do let me know. As always, I'd love to hear from any Skins fans out there with their comments and reviews. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this brand new, Series 4-based, Skins Mock The Week!**

* * *

**DO: Hello and welcome to a special Skins Series 4 edition of Mock The Week. I'm Dara O'Briain. Joining me in the studio this week are Frankie Boyle, James Cook and Katie Fitch on one team and Andy Parsons, Naomi Campbell and Emily Fitch on the other team. **

_Wild applause and raucous cheering breaks out amongst the assembled studio audience. Frankie Boyle is one team captain and has sitting on either side of him Cook and Katie. In a break with tradition, Andy Parsons is standing in for Hugh Dennis as the other team captain and has Naomi and Emily sitting on either side of him._

**DO: We start with a round called 'If this is the Answer, what is the Question?'**

** Let's see what the answer is flashing up on the screen.**

_All the panellists turn towards the giant screen in the studio and watch as the answer comes up as quite simply '8'._

**DO: Okay, so your answer is**'**8.' But what is the question?**

**FB: Is it 'How many baseball bats does your average psychotic psychiatrist keep in his house?' (**_Cook visibly winces at Frankie's answer_). **Sorry, Cook but this is no programme to come on if you're overly sensitive or sentimental. I mean, let's face it, was this Foster character ever seen **_**without**_** a baseball bat in his hand? And where was the traditional baseball cap? Had they run out of money in the wardrobe department?**

**EF: On a slightly less gruesome note, is it 'What is the pass mark out of 100 to get a place at Harvard University?' Like, how the fuck else could Panda have suddenly become an Ivy League student at the end of the series? Before the last episode you wouldn't have bet on her being able to even ****spell ****philosophy, let alone write about it!**

**NC: Is it 'To the nearest foot, how tall actually is Giant Not-Naomi, sorry, I mean the beautiful Mandy?' Surely she must be **_**at least **_**eight foot tall because she kept banging her head on the sound boom all the time during filming. I'm sure all the still photos taken of her had to be printed in portrait rather than landscape.**

**AP: Is the question 'On a scale of 1 – 100, what was the average rating given by Skins fans on the final episode of the last series?' From what I've read on the website so far, it would seem that, apart from the Naomily reconciliation, fans weren't at all happy with how the other storylines were left hanging in the air at the end – which incidentally is probably what happened to that mad psychiatrist after Cook finished with him.**

**KF: Is it 'What is the collective IQ, on a good day, of all those brain-dead blonde bimbos at the hen night my Mum roped me in to help her organise?' I mean, I've never thought of myself as being particularly bright (**she catches Naomi nodding furiously in agreement with her on the other team and glares at her) **but when I compared myself to all of them I started feeling like I was a fucking genius.**

**JC: Is it 'How many inches of throbbing, pulsating manhood did Naomikins miss out on every time she turned down my perfectly reasonable request for a shag?'**

**NC: In your dreams, Cook. I'd rather shag Katie. That's how low down in the pecking order you are. Can we get back to reality for a moment? Is it 'How many times in succession do you have to repeat the name Arcia before it even begins to sound slightly less than totally revolting?' What sort of pathetic name is that, for fuck's sake? Did her obviously highly intelligent mother mean to call her Marcia but forgot it began with an 'M'? Or perhaps she thought the M was silent like the 'P' in psychiatrist. **

**EF I'm guessing the question has to be simply 'How many episodes were there in series 4?' **

**DO: That is of course the correct answer, Emily. At the end of that first round, ladies and gentlemen, the points go to Andy, Naomi and Emily!**

**Our next round is called 'Headliners'. Here's a picture taken from series 4, episode 1 of the new director of Roundview College, David Blood, talking to the teenagers in college. But what does 'I.W.E.Y.'stand for?**

**FB: Is it 'Intensive Wanking Eases Yearning'?....claims the General Medical Council in a newly published report on the alarming rise in sexually frustrated and psychotic psychiatrists in the U.K. They fear it might also be affecting jumped-up, authoritarian, power-crazy headmasters. Maybe if David Blood had whacked one off before going into college in the morning he wouldn't be feeling like picking a fight with everyone all the time. **

**NC: I reckon this is a bit of a long shot but is it 'I Wax Every Year'? I mean, I can't think for the life of me why that arsehole would have said such a ridiculous thing. That's much more likely to be something Katie would say, like, to explain her annual visit to her Mum's beauty salon before going on holiday. (**Naomismiles patronisingly and falsely at Katie across the studio who has a face like thunder and is unable to stop her shoulders from twitching in indignation)

**KF: Oh, you are fucking hilarious, Campbell. Like I'd go to my **_**Mum's**_** for a bikini waxing. I'd have thought that would be much more up **_**your**_** street, eh? Actually I've got an idea what this might be about. If I remember right it was the first day of term and the new head obviously wanted to make a good impression on us all and show us how much he had our best interests at heart. Now, some of you might not know but Emily's very keen on gardening and plants and all that kind of shit. She even brought one of her favourite plants into college that day to try to brighten the shithole up a bit. I think David Blood wanted to show how much he appreciated that kind gesture by telling us all 'I Watered Emily's Yucca.' **

**AP: Might the college director possibly be trying to give the students some helpful lifestyle advice, a few words of wisdom with the benefit of his vast experience of dealing with troubled teenagers? He might have been trying to get the message across: forget sex, drugs, alcohol, rock & roll, that's what my generation got off on! You kids need something different to give you inner peace and calm, to give you a sense of self-worth and meaning in life. Was he saying 'I Would Encourage Yoga'?**

**DO: That's a very good shout, Andy. Let me just double check that. (**Dara looks down at his notes for a few seconds and then looks up again, shaking his head slowly and with an expression of regret.) **No, I'm afraid not, there's absolutely no mention of yoga anywhere in the answer. Nice try though.**

**EF: Is it 'Interesting Word Excites Youngsters'? I seem to remember the director was boring the arse off us all, droning on and on about how things were going to change around the college now that Harriet had got the push and he was in charge. None of us were really paying much attention to the old fart until he came out with this word which really made us sit up and take notice for once. I can't remember what it was, though.**

**JC: Expunge. That was the word he used. He said 'I will Expunge You.' Fuck knows what it means but it sure sounds like something dirty and depraved. I wouldn't mind doing a bit of expunging myself but obviously not with that total nobhead. Hey, any of you girls fancy a quick expunge after the show? **

**DO: Judging by the look of horror and revulsion all over their faces, Cook, I don't think you've got any takers there. You'll have to find another sad victim to expunge. Try Arcia, she might be up for that. Anyway, that is indeed the right answer. The points in that round go to Frankie, Cook and Katie!!**

** Now we come to a round called 'The Wheel of News'. This will involve Cook, Naomi, Katie and Emily, so will all four contestants make their way to the performance area, please? (**_All four Skins characters get up from their seats and walk over to their places, Katie and Cook lining up alongside each other on the far side of the studio and Naomi and Emily taking their places next to one another on the near side.)_

** This is where we test our contestants' stand-up skills. We spin our picture generator, it settles on a topic and any one of the performers can volunteer to tell jokes about the chosen picture subject. The winning team is the one I consider to have produced the funniest gags. OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.**

_The wheel spins round for several seconds and comes to rest on a picture of a house with a board outside it saying 'Under Repossession'._

** The first subject is a very topical one, given the current economic climate. It's house re-possessions. Who wants to go first on that important topic?**

** (**_Katie confidently moves to the middle of the stage,)_

**KF: (**Gives a wry smile to the audience**). I think I have this particular subject covered. Well, as you know, we lost our house because my Dad stuffed all the letters from the bank threatening repossession down the back of the sofa. But I blame the bank totally for getting us in this mess, not my Dad. I mean, for fuck's sake, this is the 21****st**** century, not the Middle Ages. Who in their right mind sends a really important message by letter?! Why the hell didn't they send him a text message? Like anyone else over the age of about 25, Dad hasn't got a bloody clue how to read text messages. If the bank had sent him a Notice of Repossession by text then he would have **_**had**_** to come to me or Emily to find out what it said and then we would have known all about it and could have done something to save our house from being repossessed and got him out of the shit. Totally fucking irresponsible of the bank to send him a letter! I mean, they could even have sent him an email and copied the rest of us in on it! Whatever happened to customer service?!**

**DO: Thank you very much, Katie! (**_Katie goes back to her spot next to Naomi whilst acknowledging the appreciative cheers of all her fans in the audience) _**OK, let's spin the wheel again.**

** (**_The wheel spins around again and comes to land on a still picture of Naomi and Emily looking at the contents of Sophia's army cadet locker in disbelief.) _**OK, the subject is stalkers. Who feels confident about taking that subject?**

_ (Naomi steps forward tentatively with a nervous, anxious look towards Emily who has screwed her face up in embarrassment and is staring at Naomi)._

**NC: I think I'm in the best position to talk about stalkers, don't you think? Yeah, it's pretty scary finding out someone's been stalking you behind your back. Although, on the positive side, it does mean you get to have your own personal bodyguard completely unpaid, free of charge. I mean, where else could you get a deal as good as that nowadays? After all, no self-respecting stalker is going to want to share you with any other fucked up nutter, are they? So a young girl can walk around the streets at night safe in the knowledge that no psycho's going to get within ten feet of her without her very own stalker getting to him first and taking him out. So girls, if you want peace of mind walking around your own neighbourhood, get yourself a stalker. It's far cheaper than a dog and they don't make nearly as much mess!**

** Mind you, you've got to be prepared for every single little detail of your private life, every personal possession you've ever owned to be seized upon by your stalker and taken away to be stored in their warped, perverted museum dedicated solely to you. Mine even went through my rubbish bins and nicked my Garibaldi biscuit wrappers and an old toothbrush. So be careful what you throw out. I'm just glad my old vibrator and my back copies of 'Redhead Lesbo Schoolgirls' magazines are still locked away in a cupboard at home!**

**DO: Thank you very much, Naomi! So that leaves us with Emily and Cook. Let's see what the next subject is, shall we? (**_The wheel spins around again and comes to rest on a picture of the outside of a prison.)_

** It's prisons. Who would like to come in on that one? Cook! Who would have thought you'd take that subject?!**

**JC: I think I can speak from personal experience here, Dara. OK. Now, I've always found it funny how when you're sent to prison you're said to have been detained 'at Her Majesty's Pleasure'. Does anyone actually know for a **_**fact **_**that the Queen gets pleasure out of seeing her subjects being sent down? I mean, does the Home Office send her a monthly list of the prison numbers and when she reads it her face lights up, she breaks out into a huge smile and then she starts pissing herself laughing? Come on! Only a sick kind of weirdo could actually get pleasure from seeing people being locked up in tiny cells eighteen hours a day against their will. And they're called prison officers. **

** Mind you, I have to tell you prison officers are not very bright, to put it mildly. Rather lacking in imagination, in fact. Guess where they put me to work? The kitchens! You couldn't make that shit up, could you? And you should have seen some of the other dickheads they detailed to work there with me. Now, I don't know about you (**Cook pauses for a few moments, looks over at Andy Parsons and winks massively at him as he decides on the spot to mimic Andy's traditional style of delivery) **but I would have thought that the last person you would want to have working in the kitchens cooking all the prisoners' meals is someone who had been sent down for poisoning his wife! Though judging by the quality of the food that this guy prepared, I assume he didn't poison her with arsenic or rat poison or anything risky like that. She probably just died of a seriously undercooked Sunday roast chicken lunch.**

**DO: OK, thank you very much, Cook! That just leaves Emily. Let's see what topic you're left with, Emily.**

_(A picture of a happy, smiling family group appears on the big screen). _**It's the family. Take it away, Emsy!**

**EF: Emsy? You're getting a bit fresh, aren't you, Dara? Families, eh? Great, my favourite topic. Why couldn't you have given me transport? Or do you only ever dump that subject on Andy Parsons? (**Andy is seen laughing at Emily's wisecrack**). OK. Well, I come from a totally dysfunctional, mixed race family, as you probably all know. My Dad's** **a Scouser and my Mum's Scottish. This of course means that Dad's always telling Mum to 'calm down, calm down' (**Emily mimics a thick Liverpool accent) **and my Mum replies 'who are you telling to calm down, you English bastard?'(**Emily imitates a broad, angry Scottish accent)**. **

**Katie and I have got a right pervy little brother called James who's a total freak. Until a few months ago he was always hanging around outside our bathroom or bedroom trying to catch a glimpse of me and Katie stark naked. He still hangs around hoping to see us take our clothes off but now he's only interested because he wants to nick our dresses and stuff, put them on and wear them himself! I'm getting really worried about him, actually. Some days he looks even better in them than Katie does!**

** (**An outraged Katie mouths 'fuck off' at her sister from the across the studio**). **

**DO: OK, thank you Emily. I apologise for the over-familiarity at the beginning. I can't think what came over me. I knew as soon as I saw Naomi stand up and glare at me with a look that would flatten a rhinoceros at a hundred paces that I'd made a bit of a faux pas. That's the end of that round and I'm going to give the points for the sake of my own personal safety to Emily and Naomi!**

** Now we come to our final quick-fire round called 'Scenes We'd Like To See'. This is for everyone so if you'd all like to make your way to the performance area, please. I call out ideas for scenarios we'd love to see and the performers come in with their suggestions. (**_All six performers make their way over to the performance area standing in their respective teams)._

** OK, here we go with the first topic which is….. '**_**Inadvisable things to say during a police interview.'**_

_Naomi immediately steps forward into the middle of the floor. After each joke the performer walks back to his or her original position and the next performer hurries forward to take his/her place)._

**NC: Of course I wasn't ****responsible ****for that girl's death! I just made sure she was in the right frame of mind to jump.**

**EF: The bitch shagged my girlfriend. She deserved to die.**

**FB: I'm sorry, officer, I can't help you. I wasn't there when it happened. I was selling some seriously heavy shit on the other side of town at the time. **

**JC: I can't believe the stupid cow actually jumped before I had the chance to nail her. **

**AP: Look on the bright side! That's one less student pissing away our honest hard earned tax-payer's money.**

**KF: Jesus! If my hair ever looked as bad as hers, I think I'd kill myself as well.**

**DO: OK! Moving on, the next topic is……. **_**'Worst chat-up lines to come out with on your first ever date'.**_

**KF: What flavour condoms do you prefer? I'm easy but I think it's important to be sensitive and considerate!'**

**AP: I hope you'll take it as a huge compliment that I've already got an erection just from shaking hands with you.**

**NC: I'm pretty sure I'm gay but I just need official confirmation and you look like you'll do the trick.**

**FB: I masturbated five times before I left home to make sure I didn't come as soon as I saw you. **_**That's **_**how much I fancy you.**

**EF: I would invite you in to meet my parents but they're even more fucked up than I am.**

**JC: Arcia? You sound like my kind of girl. I'm always up for a bit of anal. Bend over, babe and assume the position.**

**DO: OK! The next topic is……. 'Most unsettling words of comfort to be given by your psychiatrist.'**

**FB: Tell me about your school days. Were you interested in sport? Perhaps you played rounders at school. I was particularly keen on baseball. **

**JC: Now, I want you to take all your clothes off, put them in a pile next to mine, lie down on the couch, close your eyes and just relax.**

**NC: Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. Bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens. Brown paper packages tied up with strings. These are a few of my favourite things. What are your favourite things, Effy? **

**AP: I can assure you, you're in very capable hands. These strong, muscular hands have put a lot of troubled and disturbed young girls out of their misery for ever.**

**KF: I always wanted to be a psychiatrist since I was very little. When my Dad told me he wanted me to become an accountant like him I had to kill him. So you see, that's how dedicated I've been to my job. **

**EF: Qualified? Of course I'm qualified to treat you. I've seen The Sixth Sense, Analyze This and every ****single ****episode of Frasier. **

**DO: And at the end of that round the points go to Frankie, Cook and Katie!**

**That's the end of the show, folks, and this week's winners are Andy Parsons, Naomi and Emily!**

** Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O'Briain. Until next time it's Goodnight!**


End file.
